oddEvan

Slightly uneven since 2005

Month: February 2008

Maybe

I may or may not have attempted to grill pork on the stove.

I may or may not have set off the smoke alarm.

The local fire department may or may not have been called.

This may or may not show up on my student account.

Maybe.

Update: I did. I did. I did. It won’t.

Limericks Galore

So the genius behind xkcd just opened up LimerickDB. Be warned, many (if not most) are definitely NSFW, but I find many of them quite clever, which I have repeated below.

#286

There once was a buggy AI

Who decided her subject should die.

When the plot was uncovered,

The subjected discovered

That sadly the cake was a lie.

#34

A woman in liquor production

Owns a still of exquisite construction.

The alcohol boils

Through magnetic coils.

She says that it’s “proof by induction.”

#292

A preoccupied vegan named Hugh

picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.

He took a big bite

before spitting, in fright,

“OMG, WTF, BBQ!”

#257

There once was a small juicy orange,

…f–k.

#107

See that lighthouse beam in the sky

That guides yonder ships going by?

My friend shines that beam;

She’s living her dream.

I’m in grad school. I still don’t know why.

#21

There was a young woman named Bright

Whose speed was much faster than light.

She set out one day

In a relative way,

And returned on the previous night.

#282

A programmer started to cuss

Because getting to sleep was a fuss

As he lay there in bed

Looping ’round in his head

was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

#119

The limerick’s structure somewhat

necessitates eloquent smut.

If you haven’t the time

to learn meter and rhyme,

then don’t write them, you ignorant s–t.

#177

There once was a girl named Lenore

And a bird and a bust and a door

And a guy with depression

And a whole lot of questions

And the bird always says “Nevermore.”

#11

There once was a man from Japan

whose limericks just wouldn’t scan.

When asked why this was,

he answered, “Because

I always cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”

#22

There once was a maid from Madras

Who had a magnificent ass.

Not rounded and pink,

as you’d possibly think;

It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.

#12

There once was a gal from Peru

whose limericks stopped on line two.

#189

There was a zookeep from Nantucket

Who was struck by a fish — couldn’t duck it

He was thrown from the cage

By a pinniped’s rage.

Quoth the walrus, “You can’t has mah bukkit!”

#109

A newspaper poet for Hearst

Deprived of his reason

By uncontrolled sneezing

Was by phantasmal demons coerced

To write all of his limericks reversed.

#2

The limerick packs laughs astronomical

in a space that is most economical.

But of the ones that I’ve seen,

so few have been clean,

and the clean ones are seldom so comical.

#77

A dozen, a gross, and a score

plus three times the square root of four

divided by seven

plus five times eleven

is nine squared, and not a bit more!

#111

There once was a fellow from Xiangling

Whose greatest delight was in mangling

Poems. He would drop

Words between lines and lop

Their ends off, and leave readers dang

#333

There was a limerick I heard,

With stressed syllables quite awkward.

Rhythm was somewhat

Still present in it, but

It forced mispronouncing every word.

#290

To the skeptics I say, oh come off it.

Your aluminum hat? You can doff it.

To me it’s a riddle

Just what’s in the middle

But I’m sure that the last step is profit.

#127

There once was a girl named Jude,

Who’s skirt by the wind was strewed.

A man came along,

And unless im quite wrong,

You expected this last line to be lewd.

#271

Ther once was an old man of Esser,

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all,

And now he’s a college professor.

#145

A student as smart as could be

Had to integrate x to the 3

He said “x to the 4

over 4, I am sure”

But was off by a constant of C.

#355

Since your poems are clumsy and s–te,

No longer can I be polite:

Come on you f–ktard,

It’s really not hard,

to get the d–n syllables right.

#65

A poet ran out of ideas;

Because he had no more ideas;

He repeated himself,

By repeating himself,

Because he ran out of ideas;

#277

Two eager and dashing young beaux

Were held up and robbed of their cleaux

In summer it’s warm –

They’ll come to no harm

But what will they do if it sneaux?

#131

There was a young man who said “God

Must find it exceedingly odd

To think that the tree

Should continue to be

When there’s no one about in the quad.”

“Dear Sir: Your astonishment’s odd;

I am always about in the quad.

And that’s why the tree

Will continue to be

Since observed by, Yours faithfully, God.”

#264

There once was a poet named Gunderson

Whose rhyme schemes were all very cumbersome.

With each botched refrain,

he’d be heard to exclaim,

“Oh, how do I get myself into these situations?!

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