Category: Introspection

Grace.

It’s a wonderful feeling, really. Getting what you don’t deserve. I guess that’s the lesson I had to learn. See, I was saved as a small child. There was never any one moment I can point to and say “There’s my epiphany; that’s where I first experienced Grace!” For me it’s been more of a slow realization, a gradual increase in knowledge of Grace. Well, I just got my biggest shot of it.

CS-30: B
CS-38: A-
HST-A55: B
Cumulative Grade Point Average: 3.011

This means I get to keep my Furman Scholarships

In all honesty, I don’t know how this is true. I’m fully expecting my mom to get an e-mail tomorrow that says there was a mistake and I got a D in CS-30. But what really interests me is how by mid-term I had — and still have — accepted the fact that my grades won’t be what I want them to be. I’m going to lose financial aid. God has a plan and I have to work with it. For a while I thought that plan was for me to stay at Furman, even if it meant incurring a little debt. The friendships I’ve made there and the real-world experience I’m getting outside of class are worth the price.

And now this. I may not have to go into mountains of debt after all. That, my friends, is grace. And it’s helping me see what Grace really is. Amen?

As I mentioned in last night’s update, Dustin, my RUF minister here at Furman, was airlifted to the hospital yesterday evening. Apparently his bike locked up — tripped on a rock or something — and threw him headfirst onto the ground. Eventually they had to take him into surgery for brain swelling. As of right now he’s stable but in a medically-induced coma until the swelling stops.

It’s kind of scary, really. I’ve barely known the guy for two-and-a-half months and now I’m faced with the possibility of losing him. At the very least, brain injuries like this are known to cause personality changes. Sometimes they’re mild, sometimes they’re extreme. Either way, he’s not going to be the same person coming out than he was going in. It’s sobering, especially considering I’ve grown to like his animated, over-the-top, write-five-words-on-every-page-and-turn-the-page-every-two-seconds preaching style.

But the kicker here is this: this past Sunday he preached at Redeemer on the providence of God. How no matter what God is in control despite our best efforts. And that’s really all I can count on right now. I’m trying to pray, but — to be perfectly honest — my prayer life is f — ed up right now. And all I can count on is that 1) God knows what He’s doing, and 2) God doesn’t love me because of the things I do, or because I act a certain way. The only reason God would even pay attention to me is Jesus.

And now that I think about it, that’s all that’s ever true.

So God, if you’re reading my blog, please remind us all that You are in control, not us.

Random thoughts as I sit here at 12:42 AM doing Poly Sci work…

• I’m trying not to panic. It’s just hard when you know what you have to do in order to proceed with your life as planned.
• Do you ever feel like God hates that he’s seperated from us just as much as more than we hate it? I’ll post this in detail later…
• I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don’t expect I shall return… in fact I mean not to.
• Well, I thought about the army… then I realized I was dreaming and woke up.
• teh future = Wii
• There are lies, d — n lies, and statistics. And I’m doing a f — king worksheet on statistics.

I need sleep. And prayer. Sleep comes later, but if you pray, can you pray for me? Thanks.

Okay, so I just had a can of SoBe Adrenaline Rush, and I’m waiting for the kick to kick in. I mean, I’m not tired, but I’m not any more awake than I was earlier. Maybe I need some actual adrenaline to kick-start the artificial adrenaline? The drink itself wasn’t that bad, though. Tasted kinda like grapefruit soda. Which you need to try.

Yes, this is the first time I’ve had any sort of energy drink. I heard Red Bull tasted awful, and they don’t sell it on campus anywhere. And hopefully I won’t keel over and die from the excessive caffiene (runs in the family).

Okay, I know there are lies, d**n lies, and statistics, but here’s some interesting statistics I found in this program we had to get for Poly Sci class:

• 77.4% of Americans consider religion to be an important part of their lives.
• 84.1% – 85.3% of Americans consider the Bible to be the word of God (47.2% – 55.5% claim room for interpretation)
• 41.6% consider themselves to be strongly religious people, with 42.8% not so strong.

So, it’s safe to say that the vast majority of people in America consider religion to be somewhat important. So why are we so afraid to talk about it?

I’m throwing down the gauntlet now: if you want to break the silence and tell the world what you believe, my microphone is open. I don’t care if you’re Islamic, Hinduist, Buddhist, Agnostic, Christian, or a follower of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I want to hear it. The only thing I care about is that you believe it.

Yeah, Evan’s in another one of his moods. For one thing, I’m listening to this song on continuous repeat. The words are pretty meaningless, but the music pretty much sums it up right now.

Disconnection. Removal. Exile. Dis… um, not-belonging. That’s pretty much how it is right now.

Okay, so maybe this little bout of semi-depressed philosophising was brought on by a combination of no one showing up for the planned argument and the PalaDen being all out of orange juice. Sue me. I’ve actually been toying with this idea since Saturday, and getting the proverbial stubbed toe just amplified it a bit…

Anyway, the idea is simple: I want to go Home. Not Charleston-home, I mean Home. As in… eh, let me call C. S. Lewis here:

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

I had that hit me while I was doing some preliminary Christmas shopping. What better place to feel out-of-place than a place commonly known as a hang-out point for high school kids? There’s everyone, spending their money like wild, laughing it up with other people in their little cliques, waiting for the one with the car to say it’s time to go. Then there’s me, alone, drove myself, in college, not spending anything (and I didn’t!). Yeah, it sounds a little depressing, maybe a little lonely, but bear with me for a second.

When we become Christians, we are drastically and permanently changed on the inside so much so that we become something other than mere humans. (Some would argue that we become fully human, I would say they are right as well. I’m purposfully being a little fanciful/sci-fi-ish/mystical/dramatic; it gets my imagination going. And my imagination is on right now.) This point is best illustrated by George MacDonald’s book At the Back Of the North Wind. In it, a little boy meets the North Wind and travels — you guessed it — to the back of the North Wind. From that point on, he acts slightly odd at times, but it’s always explained away by saying he had been to the back of the North Wind. In other words, he had caught a glimpse of Heaven. And from that point on, everything he did in life reflected that.

So what happens when we become Christians? We catch a glimpse of Heaven. We get our own bit of Joy. (Lewis actually described his longing for Heaven as Joy… maybe so…) And there are always times when we want more. For me, now is one of those times.

But, since I’m still here, there’s obviously a reason. It’s not my place to figure out what that reason is, either. I just have to trust that God knows what he’s doing. And He does. And I do.

First news first: I’ve got a car. I’m not sure if I’ve said it in any of the previous posts, but I do. It’s an old ’95 2-door Honda Civic, 4-cylinder engine, and gets 30 miles to the gallon! It’s also a stick-shift (which I’ve spent the last couple of weeks learning how to drive). It’s official title is the WHAT?-mobile, but I nicknamed it Scooter since once it gets up to speed, it can really scoot…

until you load it down with fifty-plus pounds of crap.

Which brings me to my second point: I’m at Furman now.

The drive here was pretty interesting… if by interesting you mean frustrating because not only is your little car handling real hills for the first time, but it’s also laden with the excess of a teenager’s life. Let me put it this way: In order to maintain a 75-mph velocity going up a hill, Scooter needs to either downshift into 4th gear or have a lot of inertia going into the hill. But once we add cargo, it’s a simple matter of weight ratios.

So basically, before I figured out that it was okay to downshift into 4th, I was gunning the engine going down the hills so I could make it up the next one while maintaining common speed. I don’t plan on doing that again… not for a while. Hopefully it’ll handle better without so much stuff in it.

But now I’m here, everyone got here nicely, and three out of four of us have GROSS beards/hair. Murf reminds me of someone… not sure who at this point. Gandalf?

Anyhoo, I gotta get to church. Sure I could drive myself, but I’ll hitch a ride like usual. FRAD/FRAR training begins this afternoon… that’s gonna be exciting… not.

Until later!